Torn.

I was raised a certain way, to believe in certain things and how they should be, and while there are some things I outgrew or decided against as I became and grew into my own person, there are some things that stuck with me and still hold true for me.  I am currently in a situation that causes me to go against one of those beliefs, and it is becoming less and less comfortable for me as time passes.  But what do you do when one person believes one thing, and the one person believes another, and there isn't a "middle of the road"?  There isn't a compromise on this one.  It's just one person getting their way, while the other one doesn't.  


And how does this translate into my parenting?  How do I tell my son to never compromise his values, when that is exactly what I am doing?  I get this horrible pit in my stomach when I think about it. I don't know how to be anything other than myself...but pretending that things are ok that I don't think are ok is not me.  But complicating things definitely is, and so why should it come as a surprise that I find myself here now?  


I love my little boy more than I've ever loved another human being and there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him.  The last thing I want is for him to grow up using me as an example of how not to be, like I did with my parents.  People always tell me I turned out so great for coming from the situation that I did.  First of all, I'd like to just be told that I turned out great for once and leave it at that.  Not to have my successes be measured against my parents' failures.  And secondly, it's sad when someone has a decent life only because they made a decision to not be like their parents. God forbid I ever put my own son in that situation.  


Anyway, this is mostly me venting and definitely getting a little more personal than I like to, but welcome to my diary.  I had to be able to say it to someone. 


On a lighter note...maybe I'm not the best person on the planet, but my family sure is!  My aunt and three of my cousins came to visit this weekend and we had such a great time!  Especially Harrison, who absolutely adored the boys and was so sad to see them go.  There is nothing better than having a house full of people that leave a void behind when they go.  We miss them already.  My dad may be wasting a spot on this planet, but I definitely lucked out with the rest of my fam, they are truly my home.