Thank God.

Thank God that the past is what's behind me, so that I never need to look upon it again. Thank God that the mistakes I made before have led me to where I am now. Thank God I get to wake up in the mornings knowing that the day will bring peace and happiness instead of heartache and anger. Thank God that I listened to my heart and walked away when I was supposed to, and thank God for the reward I was given for doing so. Thank God I'm not a drunk and that I don't have to spend my days with one. Thank God I have found someone who makes me want to be a better person. Thank God I am now with someone who is more than I deserve and that I'm no longer with someone who made me feel like I was being punished. Thank God that the life growing inside of me will be the product of two people who are kind to each other, respect each other, love each other, and find peace with each other. Thank God I let go of the wrong person. Thank God I figured out, before it was too late, that he was so much like my father. Thank God there are so few truly good people in the world and I somehow managed to find one. Thank God I can't bring myself to settle. Thank God for giving me the strength and courage to always rise above in the end, no matter how far down others bring me. Thank God I have waited this long for all of these blessings to find me. Thank God for the life that I have built for myself by surrounding myself with the people that matter and letting go of the ones who don't. Thank God I am happy, and don't find comfort in bringing others down - what a burden that is. Thank God for knowing what was needed in our lives, even when we didn't. Thank God I am finally becoming the best version of myself. Thank God I can finally be ok with relying on my friends and family. Thank God I can finally accept the things they have to offer. Thank God for my health, which impresses even my doctor. Thank God for the "block" feature on every form of communication there is. Thank God for providing peace to others who need it more than I do right now. Thank God for helping them through whatever they are going through. Thank God I've learned to listen. I hope others are able to do the same. Thank God for watching over my safety. Thank God life goes on. Thank God for goodbyes. Thank God for all the heartache that has taught me how to heal and made me appreciate happiness. Thank God for forgiveness. Thank God for the ability to turn away from the pride and spite that resides in others. Thank God for the little tap on my shoulder and quiet whisper in my ear. Thank God for my family, blood or otherwise. Thank God it's over. Thank God it's just beginning. Thank God for all of it.

The Week In Review

So much to talk about since last week. For starters, the replacement Intelligender test arrived and this time, gave me clear results. Unfortunately for all of you, I'm not telling you what those were because all shopping has to come to a halt until until September 23rd, when an actual doctor confirms it. See how mean I am now? Sorry.

Thursday, we had another doctor visit. It mostly consisted of waiting, and then about 20 minutes of chatting with the doctor who says everything looks great. I gained one pound. We heard the baby's heartbeat again. I didn't have to endure any needles, so overall - success. We scheduled my next appointment for 5 weeks later instead of 4, which will put me at 19 weeks and therefore...we will be finding out the sex. If I have to lay there all day and wait for the baby to learn how to do somersaults, I will. We are finding out the sex that day. I don't know how some people wait for this kind of information on purpose. In other news....I will be a very patient mother. No really, I will. I'm working on it.

Here in Texas, this weekend was tax-free weekend, so we decided to do some baby shopping. Which meant looking at how cuuuute and peeerrrfect the little boys things are then forcing myself to venture over to the girls stuff and find stuff I liked there as well. There were actually some non-pink, decent looking outfits that I guess would be ok. We ended up buying two outfits. Both were three-piece pants-tee shirt-jacket combos, one for a boy, one for a girl. I like the blue one much better, in case you were wondering. We Peyton-shopped for a bit, which is so much easier and more fun than shopping for me, by the way. And then...we walked into Motherhood. Oh....NOOO.... I was immediately overcome with depression. This? This is where I am now forced to shop? It was as if I was standing in a Kmart in some indiscernible decade where Bedazzlers and polyester rule the night. The visit lasted approximately 2 minutes, which, in this horrible porthole of doom, felt like eternity. I left trying to think of creative new ways to never have to step into a pair of maternity pants as long as I live.

But never fear, the day was saved. If you were smart (like me) you jumped on last Thursday's Groupon offer, which was $50 to spend at the Gap for $25. So after leaving the mall, we headed to the Gap and I wandered over to the Gap Kids area and there, way in the back corner was the maternity section. And this, my friends, is where I regained hope. Every single thing I tried on was cute. All of it!! Even the weird, elastic-waistband jeans! Who's have guessed? So I bought pretty much everything I tried on (except for one shirt, which I accidentally stole) and left very happy. And did I mention that Peyton sat there patiently while I tried everything on and came out to show him every single outfit? I bet that was fun for him...

Fast forward to the next day, I was sick all day. The "can't get out of bed or even consider eating a bite of anything" kind of sick. Yes, the morning sickness is over. Yay. It has now been replaced by "completely sporadic sickness that hits with no warning". Ew. So onto better subjects.

We have a list of names we like, but right now, it's growing instead of being narrowed down and that's the way we want it. So please send us your suggestions!

Spoil The Child...It's Fine With Me

My little genderless, name TBD baby already has gifts pouring in, and to be honest - he/she likes it. Since the most "real" part of being pregnant right now, for me, is tossing my cookies, it's really nice to have something goodhappening that makes this a little more tangible. The only thing I should point out is that despite my obvious preference to have a boy, it is, at this point, a complete unknown. So keep those gift receipts!

Also, here is how things work in my world. I can stand next to the winningest person I know at a craps table, and they will suddenly go on a losing streak. I've never bought a lottery ticket, but when I get scratch-offs in my stocking at Christmas, I've never won more than $1. If I vote for someone, their opponent wins. So you can go ahead and count on this baby being a girl because apparently I pissed off the universe during a past life and am doomed to never win. I'm not saying I won't love a girl just as much as boy. I know I would. I'd love the baby if it turned out to be a puppy. Maybe MORE so. I just want a boy. So. Much. Which basically ruins my chances.

But despite what the baby turns out to be, it WILL be wearing it's Run DMC onesie, it WILL be a monkey for halloween next year, dress and act like a Dallas Cowboys fan, sleep in a pink-free nursery and be an adorable little chubster, if Peyton's baby pictures are any indication of what's to come. So buy whatever you want. Seriously. Neither parent knows what they are doing, so it's nothing but a huge help.

The Future is Bright

Today's entry is brought to you by Peyton, the number 5 and the letter M.

When I was a little child growing up I do not recall ever having thoughts about how many children I would have or what type of family I would have. Charlie and Karie, my brother and sister, were the ones who always said they wanted a big family, not me. It just never crossed my mind. About a year ago those thoughts for me changed. Nothing in particular changed my thinking but I truly believe God started to feed my brain and heart with something different. He started making me think what it would be like for me 10, 15, 25 years from now. He gave me visions of the future. I actually saw these in color. Would I be alone? Lonely? Would I be happy? I don’t know, but it made me sad.

When Cassidy told me she was pregnant I didn’t freak out. I did not get angry or upset but I was very stunned and shocked. After a week of this I called my mom, dad and step mom and told them what was happening and when I did they all seemed so much happier than I did. I told all 3 of them that I would get excited eventually but at that time I was still stunned and could not think straight. Dang it Peyton, this is not all about you anymore.

But after I told them something inside me clicked and all of the sudden I couldn’t stop thinking of my life yet to come and my life building a family. I have never been more excited than I am today and as each day passes the excitement grows. This life I am about to live feels to me like the answer to why I am here on Earth. I am here to be a father and soul mate and to be a builder of a family.

Sass, I cannot wait to share in parenting of our little alien growing in your belly. The future is ours and it is shinning very brightly on us. God wanted this all to happen and HE is making sure that it does. There are reasons we are here, just not everyone is listening.

Last But Not Least

I have been dreading telling my grandmother on my dad's side that I am pregnant. My sweet, VERY conservative Southern Baptist grandmother who taught me how to sit with my ankles crossed (which I never do) and told me that all make-up collections need a good, slate-blue eye shadow. That was in the late 80's, of course but still...always keep up appearances. She is the one who sent me to church camp every year, took me to church with her on Sundays, drove me back and forth to vacation Bible school, had me baptized and sang hymns to me to help me sleep. So for the past few weeks, telling her that I am pregnant with no plans to get married has been weighing pretty heavily on my sinful shoulders. But by Saturday, the time had come. Everyone else knows and it was only a matter of time before she found out from someone other than me. In the past, she has always been who I told things to first, but this...this was different. This is something I have lost sleep over. My aunt offered to go with me, told me to definitely leave Peyton at home, and we both silently prepared for me to be excommunicated from the family, or at the very least, left out of the Christmas letter this year. (It wouldn't be the first time.)

However, with the pressure on, I decided to do it my way and to take Peyton with me. He brings me peace and is the one other person who is just as much a part of this as I am. Not to mention the points it would earn him by being at my side. So we headed over to grandma's house and visited with her for a while and drank iced tea and sat in big pink chairs and I listened to her tell Peyton stories that I've heard so many times, I could probably tell them even better than she can. Then Howard called. Howard is my grandmother's boyfriend and wanted to come see her. Right then. For a few days, he has been worried that perhaps she has met someone else (which at 79, even she laughed at) so he couldn't wait for dinner to get his fix, he needed to come over much, much sooner. Howard is a dear, sweet man who showers my grandmother with affection and attention, but despite that, I had no desire to share my news with him there. So now I had about 20 minutes left at most to get the words out. I kept listening for the sound of his car outside while I tapped my fingers on the pink armrests and waited for an opening from my grandmother. I don't remember if I got one, or if I just interrupted her but finally, I was able to manage, "Well, Peyton and I have some news," while thinking, "Please don't look at my left hand, please please..."

*silence*

"We're going to have a baby."

*silence* followed by "You're kidding." (Said in a tone that said she really did believe we were kidding.)

"No, we're not kidding. And we're very excited."

"Well so am I!!!"

Whaaaat??? Grandma just said she was excited. The next few minutes were a blur as we shot down questions about marriage and got that out of the way and then she darted to the patio where she was storing some of my cousin's baby dresses and started talking about how it just has to be a girl because these little smocked dresses are expensive and not that easy to find, you know.

Somewhere in there, Howard arrived and she greeted him with, "Helloooo! We're looking at baby clothes!! They're having a baby!" And we all sat around for a few minutes and talked about how that was just fine, because these are different times, after all.

And boy, aren't they?

This is Not Me

Before I get to the subject at hand, here's an update on the gender test. I got an email back from the "Moms of Intelligender". I was told that my results appear to be "girl". Of course they do. OF COURSE. But they would also be happy to send me another test so that I can try again. And relive the confusion and frustration of the other day? Yes, please. No really...send me another test. I'll at least feel like I got them on sale or something. Now that I'm two females at once, I really like sales. So I am patiently and nonchalantly waiting for round 2 to arrive. (This is me whistling and checking out my nails in between checking the mail every five minutes.) So soon, we will have confirmation #2 that the baby is a girl, and shortly thereafter, I'm sure the ultrasound tech will provide confirmation #3. Queue the Rolling Stones...you can't always get what you waaa-aaant." And yes, I understand the next line of the song is where the lesson lies, but I'm sulking right now.

Speaking of sulking, let's get to the real issue. Mood swings. I'm not going to pretend I wasn't moody before. But holy *#$!%. Will someone please put the word out immediately that now is not the time to cross me?! It's not only the safety of others that I'm concerned about. I just don't like feeling the special level of irritability (and sometimes rage) that has now come to be a 2-3 times daily part of my life. Case in point, the woman next to me at work today WILL NOT STOP COUGHING. I know, can you believe it? Ugh. Anyway. So after a few minutes of it, I turned around and yelled, "STOP IT!" She didn't. Later, as the coughing continued, I asked her what is wrong with her. She said she has a tickle in her throat. I told her she should go home anyway. A tickle in your throat could lead to a number of things, not the least of which is a swift punch to the face if I have to listen to you hack up a hair ball onto your keyboard for the rest of the day. See what I mean? This can no longer be called mood swings. This is Olympic-level mood gymnastics and I'm soundly beating every other country in the world. I can't even talk about it anymore.

Because everything in pregnant world is full of weird combinations that don't go together at all, I am also experiencing a very wonderful sense of peace. (With the exception of 2-3 times a day). And with this peace comes a big desire to clear out the chaos in my life. The chaos being all of my personal items that are heaped in various piles all over my apartment and suddenly causing me distress. Last night, with an energy that can only be described as unnatural, I left work, went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, did two loads of laundry (I even put it away), and then reluctantly laid in bed with an aching back while trying to ignore the sounds of the steam cleaner literally calling to me. All day long, I have been planning what to do next. I can't wait to go home and de-clutter all of the surfaces I have turned into "important stuff to go through later piles". I really can't wait.

Intelligender is Not Your Friend

I found a loophole in the Peyton-says-it-costs-too-much Intelligender situation. I had a gift card to Target and guess whaaaat? Target sells it! So this realization was incredibly exciting for me and on my way home, I stopped and bought the test, a Bella Band, new bath towels and a bath mat, a soap dispenser and a toothbrush holder. And I still have $5 left on the card. Not bad for a Monday. Plus, besides having 'peeing in a cup' to look forward to this morning, I also got to look forward to doing so in my freshly spruced up bathroom. It was completely subconscious, but all the bathroom stuff I bought was basically the exact shade of green I wanted the test to turn (boy).

So I wake up well before my alarm went off this morning, because I reallyhad to go. But I forced myself to lay in bed until 6:15, naturally not falling back asleep since I was pretty uncomfortable, but I didn't want to risk not needing to go anymore once I officially got up. So the alarm goes off, I ignore Zoe sitting by the front door, and take the test. Yellow-orange will mean it's a girl. Green will mean it's a boy. Seems pretty simple. Well. I never knew how similar those two colors could be. Seriously? I'm looking at a jar filled with a really strange greenish-yellowish-orangish liquid and my heart SANK. Because now, I know that I either have a baby with no working "parts" or $30 of my hard-earned gift card just got wasted on a jar full of my pee that I have no other use for!!!!!

I have since confirmed with 3 other people that my test results were useless. I also emailed pictures to the Intelligender customer service people and told them they ruined my morning. Hopefully, they will have something useful to say back to me, like, "Here's a check for $30" or "You are not smart enough to use our test, that picture is OBVIOUSLY showing (insert boy or girl here)." We shall see.

In the meantime, I have decided I no longer care what gender the baby is. So at least something good came out of this.

Boy Parts Or a Lack Thereof...

I was all set to blog about my adventure with the Intelligender test today (http://www.intelligender.com/home.html) but alas...it did not and probably will not happen. I ran the idea by Peyton and was told it's not something I should spend $35 on when I could add that money to the baby fund and we'll find out anyway in *sigh* EIGHT WEEKS. Every party has a pooper...

But in the meantime, I have looked up some old wives tales to try out and those have been somewhat fun. The Chinese Lunar Calendar said last weekend that it was a boy. I tried it again yesterday on a different website though...GIRL. The swinging needle test also pointed to having a boy. Last weekend. But when I moved the test to the ceiling fan-less dining room, it too changed to girl. So basically, these tests are crap and don't have any more accuracy than a Ouija board. But did that ever stop me from playing with my Ouija board? NO.

So I'm thinking about being a guinea pig for the Intelligender people, conveniently located in Frisco, TX. (I win!) I'll get to do the test for free and get rewarded with a $25 Target gift card. You see, Peyton? You see what girls are like? Still wanna say it's a girl?

Queue The Waterworks

I don't want to jinx things, but yesterday was amazingly comfortable. That's right...12 weeks TO THE DAY, just like I've been praying for, I woke up feeling great with lots of energy. Today has been pretty good too, so I'm hoping this sticks. As I type this, I do feel a little queasy, but I also just downed a huge lunch and then treated myself to a trip to Stein's Bakery for a petit-for as a reward for being pretty. Whoops. Overdid it. Can't complain though! I did this. And it was worth it.

Despite yesterday's good things, I did encounter a new joy of pregnancy that I had yet to experience. Sudden, uncontrollable crying. Five times in one day, I might add. Let's see, there was my aunt telling me I'm a great writer. Other people might smile at the compliment. I teared up. Then one of my best friends announcing she's leaving the company soon. Unacceptable. Peyton asking about my old dog Turk. I almost stopped breathing for that one. Then an episode of Teen Moms and a strangely timed realization that the words "I Love You" are entirely underused in my life. It was pretty pitiful. Oh wait, make that SIX times. I also finished reading The Help and if you haven't read it, DO IT. I can't wait to see what gets me today. I should probably avoid watching Animal Planet.

Honestly, I'll take crying over having to nap in my car any day. I've always been an emotional person, so I already have all the right make-up and a technique of looking up at a light at just the right angle to make my glasses reflect it, thus hiding the redness of my eyes. THIS I'm prepared for.

Watching The Clock

Tomorrow, I will be 12 weeks. TOMORROW, all the books say, I will start to feel better and have more energy. I know I shouldn't take this literally, but with only 8 hours and 32 minutes left until the possibility of being able to do a load of laundry without following it up with a nap, or waking up and eating breakfast and actually getting to keep it...I can't help but hope.

When I'm not stressed, I'm fine. I spent the weekend with my family in Houston and introduced them to Peyton, who they loved. (Of course.) Not even a hint of sickness the whole time. But back on the road to Dallas, it was back. Coming to work every day doesn't seem to be this baby's idea of fun either. (Wonder where he gets that?) If I could just take a 6-9 month vacation, this would go much more smoothly.

Speaking of Houston, my family was so great and excited and supportive, which only adds to MY excitement. Peyton has been telling people left and right, but I have been saving this news from just about everyone until I was closer to 12 weeks, and because I wanted to tell family before telling anyone else. I would never do anything as silly as to wish I lived in Houston, but I am now wishing Houston was about 250 miles closer to Dallas. Two of my aunts and I spent most of Saturday afternoon shopping and I can now say I have been to Babies R Us a) without having a panic attack and b) had a good time. I never thought I would see the day...it was literally a year ago that I stood in that place with a baby registry in hand and tears in my eyes and called my best friend to make her tell me EXACTLY what she wanted and EXACTLY where to find it.

Without knowing the baby's gender...well, "officially" knowing...I was hesitant to let them buy anything, but there was no stopping them. At one point, I told them we needed to go before there was nothing left for me to buy my own baby. To which they replied, "What makes you think this isyour baby?" Touche.

So now I'm sure I will be slowly letting my friends in on the big news. And at some point after that, people at work are going to start to notice. Because that is going to be how they find out. It's hard to be a private person when you work with mostly women and you start to gain weight. Women LOVE to talk, and even more, they LOVE to talk about who's getting fat and why. For now though, I'm keeping this a happy time and keeping co-workers in the dark. I deserve a few more weeks of peace.